Atrocity #1: Skinny Jeans
If you’re one of those people that like to wear skinny jeans, I’ve got news for you… you look stupid. Skinny jeans aren’t cool, they look ridiculous. If you’re a guy who wears skinny jeans, you may as well just turn in your man-card right now. Real men don’t wear skinny jeans. Did John Wayne, a.k.a. “The Duke”, ever wear skinny jeans? No. Have you ever seen Chuck Norris wear skinny jeans? Of course not. In fact, he’ll punch you in the face for even just looking at them through the store window. For women, it’s a little more forgivable, but I can’t tell you how many fat girls I’ve seen squeeze themselves into these jeans trying to make themselves look thinner. Sorry girls, it’s not working. If I can visually see the veins in your meaty thighs pumping with each strained beat of your heart, your jeans are too tight. Way too tight.
Atrocity #2: Spandex
I’m not quite sure who we have to thank for Spandex, but I wouldn't doubt if Aerosmith and Motley Crue had something to do with it. While originally intended as nothing more than workout clothing, Spandex has somehow managed to find its way into the realm of mainstream everyday clothing, and that’s really a shame. Again, there is that 1% of people that can pull it off and look fantastic, unfortunately the remaining 99% are attempting to do the same, with resounding failure. When you put on those Spandex pants, you may look in the mirror and think your body looks toned and 5 pounds lighter. What the rest of the world sees however is your camel toe, underwear line, and ass dimples. Please do us all a favour and just stop.
Atrocity #3: Toques
If it’s not the middle of winter, and you’re not outside shivering in the sub-freezing temperatures, take that stupid toque off your head! Hear that rappers? That’s right, I’m talking to you!! If you’re starring in a music video, covered in bling, and sitting around a pool in sunny California surrounded by all your bitches and ho’s, that toque you’re wearing is completely unnecessary, and just looks foolish. There’s nothing cool about a toque. A toque is something your grandmother knitted for you to wear to school when you were a kid, and if you recall, you’d take it off and throw it in your backpack the moment you were far enough away that your mother couldn’t see you anymore. But no, toques have somehow managed to find their way into mainstream urban attire, which means in the middle of August whenever I go to the mall, I’ve got to look at a group of 14 year old white boys with their pants hanging around their ankles wearing toques and Raiders jackets, and over-using the word “Yo”. If I had a kid that dressed like that, I’d pull the toque over his face so that nobody could tell who he was, kind of like that tall skinny kid in the Fat Albert cartoons.
Atrocity #4: Uggs
We’ve all seen them. We all know what they look like. Some of you may even own a pair. You think they’re “comfortable”. You think they keep your feet warm and toasty. Yeah, well so do slippers, but you don’t see people wearing those in public. The word “Uggs” is short for “UGLY”, it doesn’t take a genius to figure that out. Uggs are nothing more than a modern version of a chastity belt. No woman is going to ever get touched by a man when she is wearing Uggs. Uggs were invented by fathers to combat the outbreak of teen pregnancies, and guess what, its working. Uggs are essentially man-repellent for your feet. To make matters even worse, I’ve seen a few grown men wearing Uggs as well. I hope your wife doesn’t get mad when she finds out you’re wearing her boots. I’d recommend watching your back if you’re one of those guys, and be prepared for a flying roundhouse kick to the throat when Chuck Norris catches you.
Atrocity #5: Justin Bieber’s PantsAs I watched the Much Music Video Awards this past Sunday evening, I looked forward to watching Canada’s pride and joy come home for a special performance. While not necessarily a fan, I do find the kid’s journey to success very fascinating, and as one Canadian to another, wish him all the best with his career. However, I couldn’t help but shake my head in disbelief as I witnessed what is surely to become “the next big thing” in urban teenage attire. It is claimed by many that Justin Bieber is all grown up, yet there he was bouncing around on my television screen wearing what appeared to be his baby pants. While I applaud the fact that the pants did actually come up to his proper waistline, the crotch section of his pants drooped down well below his knees, creating a web-like feature between his thighs every time he spread his legs. Believe me, I’m not any more comfortable talking about Justin Bieber’s crotch and thighs than you are reading about it, but seeing as this is “the next big thing”, we’ve got to fight through the awkwardness if we hope to put a stop to this soon-to-be blossoming fashion trend. Just when I thought (MC) Hammer-pants were gone for good, there was the Biebs, dancing around the stage in those ridiculous elastic pants with the nearly non-existent inseam, leaving barely enough room for a newborn Chihuahua puppy to run between his legs had one been in his vicinity at the time. Yet millions of screaming girls around the world are in love with this guy, which means millions of teenage boys will soon be flocking to the malls to trade in their toques and Raiders jackets for these stupid droopy elastic pants. Heed this warning though. Regardless of the seemingly elastic nature of these pants, your range of motion will undoubtedly be compromised, proving not to be the least bit beneficial as you come to the realization that the man standing across from you in the darkened alley is none other than one angry Chuck Norris. Maybe when you re-gain consciousness, you can use that extra crotch fabric to mop up your blood, girly man.