Atrocity #1: Skinny Jeans
If you’re one of those people that like to
wear skinny jeans, I’ve got news for you… you look stupid. Skinny jeans aren’t cool, they look
ridiculous. If you’re a guy who
wears skinny jeans, you may as well just turn in your man-card right now. Real men don’t wear skinny jeans. Did John Wayne, a.k.a. “The Duke”, ever
wear skinny jeans? No. Have you ever seen Chuck Norris wear
skinny jeans? Of course not. In fact, he’ll punch you in the face
for even just looking at them through the store window. For women, it’s a little more
forgivable, but I can’t tell you how many fat girls I’ve seen squeeze
themselves into these jeans trying to make themselves look thinner. Sorry girls, it’s not working. If I can visually see the veins in your
meaty thighs pumping with each strained beat of your heart, your jeans are too
tight. Way too tight.
Atrocity #2: Spandex
I’m not quite sure who we have to thank for
Spandex, but I wouldn't doubt if Aerosmith and Motley Crue had something to do with it. While originally intended
as nothing more than workout clothing, Spandex has somehow managed to find its
way into the realm of mainstream everyday clothing, and that’s really a shame. Again, there is that 1% of people that
can pull it off and look fantastic, unfortunately the remaining 99% are attempting to do the same, with resounding failure.
When you put on those Spandex pants, you may look in the mirror and
think your body looks toned and 5 pounds lighter. What the rest of the world sees however is your camel toe,
underwear line, and ass dimples.
Please do us all a favour and just stop.
Atrocity #3: Toques
If it’s not the middle of winter, and
you’re not outside shivering in the sub-freezing temperatures, take that stupid
toque off your head! Hear that
rappers? That’s right, I’m
talking to you!! If you’re
starring in a music video, covered in bling, and sitting around a pool in sunny
California surrounded by all your bitches and ho’s, that toque you’re wearing
is completely unnecessary, and just looks foolish. There’s
nothing cool about a toque. A
toque is something your grandmother knitted for you to wear to school when you
were a kid, and if you recall, you’d take it off and throw it in your backpack
the moment you were far enough away that your mother couldn’t see you
anymore. But no, toques have
somehow managed to find their way into mainstream urban attire, which means in
the middle of August whenever I go to the mall, I’ve got to look at a group of
14 year old white boys with their pants hanging around their ankles wearing
toques and Raiders jackets, and over-using the word “Yo”. If I had a kid that dressed like that,
I’d pull the toque over his face so that nobody could tell who he was, kind of
like that tall skinny kid in the Fat Albert cartoons.
Atrocity #4: Uggs
We’ve all seen them. We all know what they look like. Some of you may even own a pair. You think they’re “comfortable”. You think they keep your feet warm and
toasty. Yeah, well so do slippers,
but you don’t see people wearing those in public. The word “Uggs” is short for “UGLY”, it doesn’t take a
genius to figure that out. Uggs
are nothing more than a modern version of a chastity belt. No woman is going to ever get touched
by a man when she is wearing Uggs.
Uggs were invented by fathers to combat the outbreak of teen
pregnancies, and guess what, its working.
Uggs are essentially man-repellent for your feet. To make matters even worse, I’ve seen a few grown men
wearing Uggs as well. I hope your
wife doesn’t get mad when she finds out you’re wearing her boots. I’d recommend watching your back if you’re one of those guys, and be
prepared for a flying roundhouse kick to the throat when Chuck Norris catches you.
Atrocity #5: Justin Bieber’s Pants
As I watched the Much Music
Video Awards this past Sunday evening, I looked forward to watching Canada’s
pride and joy come home for a special performance. While not necessarily a fan, I do find the kid’s journey to
success very fascinating, and as one Canadian to another, wish him all the best
with his career. However, I
couldn’t help but shake my head in disbelief as I witnessed what is surely to
become “the next big thing” in urban teenage attire. It is claimed by many that Justin Bieber is all grown up,
yet there he was bouncing around on my television screen wearing what appeared
to be his baby pants. While I
applaud the fact that the pants did actually come up to his proper waistline,
the crotch section of his pants drooped down well below his knees, creating a
web-like feature between his thighs every time he spread his legs. Believe me, I’m not any more comfortable
talking about Justin Bieber’s crotch and thighs than you are reading about it,
but seeing as this is “the next big thing”, we’ve got to fight through the
awkwardness if we hope to put a stop to this soon-to-be blossoming fashion trend. Just when I thought (MC) Hammer-pants
were gone for good, there was the Biebs, dancing around the stage in those
ridiculous elastic pants with the nearly non-existent inseam, leaving barely
enough room for a newborn Chihuahua puppy to run between his legs had one been
in his vicinity at the time. Yet
millions of screaming girls around the world are in love with this guy, which
means millions of teenage boys will soon be flocking to the malls to trade in
their toques and Raiders jackets for these stupid droopy elastic pants. Heed this warning though. Regardless of the seemingly elastic nature of these pants, your range of motion will undoubtedly be compromised, proving not to be the least bit beneficial as you come to the realization that the man standing
across from you in the darkened alley is none other than one angry Chuck Norris. Maybe when you re-gain consciousness, you
can use that extra crotch fabric to mop up your blood, girly man.
Thumbs Up!!
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