So who’s drinking the peach drink anyway? You know, that orange liquid cascading in the clear plastic dispenser behind the cashier at your local coffee shop, the level of which never changes. Ever. I mean really, is it so popular that nearly every coffee shop feels the need to have this stuff readily available to their customers? I’ve never seen anyone order it. I’m fearful of even trying it at this point, as I can only imagine what years of evaporation have done to the sugar concentration. They probably give away a free diabetes home test with every glass just as a precaution, but only after you’ve signed the waiver! The Surgeon General won’t even take a sip! I’m sure there’s someone out there reading this right now and muttering to their cat “Hey, I like that peach drink! This guy’s a jerk!”
And what about those Eat-More candy bars? You know, the dusty ones on the bottom shelf at the convenience store, next to those small individual boxes of chocolate covered cherries. Who’s eating those? Seriously! To this day I’m convinced they stopped making Eat-More candy bars 30 years ago, and the ones you see on the shelves now are the same ones you saw on the shelves as a kid, just a little dustier!
And when was the last time you ordered a Filet-O-Fish at McDonalds? To the Executive “Chef” at McDonalds, here, take this thick black marker, cross the friggin’ fish stick sandwich off the menu, and replace it with something people might actually want to eat, like the McRib!! And since you have the marker in your hand anyway, you may as well cross pickles off the list of ingredients that go into making the McRib! There is nobody in this world that eats ribs and thinks to themselves, “Hmmm, these ribs seem to be missing something… what could make them even better… oh I know… PICKLES!!” That does not happen! If you remove pickles from the McRib, maybe you could use that leftover pickle quota to put more than two on my cheeseburger! Two tiny pickles is not enough, especially when your people stack them like two dimes so that out of my entire cheeseburger, I only get one bite with pickles!!
And then there’s Home Depot and Canadian Tire, both home improvement stores in Canada that are doing quite well in their chosen lines of business. Not wanting to rest on their laurels however, and always looking for an edge over their competition, they’ve found a new item to sell in their stores which of course only makes perfect sense – SUCKERS! What the?? What are these guys thinking? Using the technology of an old-school artificial Christmas tree, they’ve cut a broom stick in half, drilled holes in it, and placed the sucker sticks into those holes. So now every time you want to purchase a furnace filter or can of paint, you’ve got to manoeuvre around this large sucker tree! And do you know why that sucker tree is always full of suckers? BECAUSE NOBODY’S BUYING THEM! And do you know why nobody is buying them? BECAUSE YOU’RE A FRIGGIN’ HOME IMPROVEMENT STORE!!!