So who’s drinking the peach drink anyway? You know, that orange liquid cascading
in the clear plastic dispenser behind the cashier at your local coffee shop,
the level of which never changes. Ever. I mean really, is it so popular that
nearly every coffee shop feels the need to have this stuff readily available to
their customers? I’ve never seen
anyone order it. I’m fearful of
even trying it at this point, as I can only imagine what years of evaporation
have done to the sugar concentration.
They probably give away a free diabetes home test with every glass just
as a precaution, but only after you’ve signed the waiver! The Surgeon General won’t even take a
sip! I’m sure there’s someone out
there reading this right now and muttering to their cat “Hey, I like that peach
drink! This guy’s a jerk!”
And what about those Eat-More candy
bars? You know, the dusty ones on
the bottom shelf at the convenience store, next to those small individual boxes
of chocolate covered cherries.
Who’s eating those? Seriously! To this day I’m convinced they stopped
making Eat-More candy bars 30 years ago, and the ones you see on the shelves
now are the same ones you saw on the shelves as a kid, just a little dustier!
And when was the last time you ordered a Filet-O-Fish
at McDonalds? To the Executive “Chef”
at McDonalds, here, take this thick black marker, cross the friggin’ fish stick
sandwich off the menu, and replace it with something people might actually want
to eat, like the McRib!! And since
you have the marker in your hand anyway, you may as well cross pickles off the
list of ingredients that go into making the McRib! There is nobody in this world that eats ribs and thinks to
themselves, “Hmmm, these ribs seem
to be missing something… what could make them even better… oh I know… PICKLES!!” That does not happen! If you remove pickles from the McRib,
maybe you could use that leftover pickle quota to put more than two on my
cheeseburger! Two tiny pickles is not
enough, especially when your people stack them like two dimes so that out of my
entire cheeseburger, I only get one bite with pickles!!
And then there’s Home Depot and Canadian
Tire, both home improvement stores in Canada that are doing quite well in their
chosen lines of business. Not wanting
to rest on their laurels however, and always looking for an edge over their
competition, they’ve found a new item to sell in their stores which of course only
makes perfect sense – SUCKERS! What
the?? What are these guys
thinking? Using the technology of
an old-school artificial Christmas tree, they’ve cut a broom stick in half,
drilled holes in it, and placed the sucker sticks into those holes. So now every time you want to purchase
a furnace filter or can of paint, you’ve got to manoeuvre around this large
sucker tree! And do you know why
that sucker tree is always full of suckers? BECAUSE NOBODY’S BUYING THEM! And do you know why nobody is buying them? BECAUSE YOU’RE A FRIGGIN’ HOME
IMPROVEMENT STORE!!!
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